Knee Deep in Grief and Inches from Tears

I am so conditioned to say "Fine, thanks and how 'bout you?" when people say "How are you?" I learned many moons ago that most people really don't want a litany of what's wrong in your life when they ask that question. It's merely a form of greeting. What I say in my mind when someone asks is "I'm knee deep in grief and inches from tears."

Should I mention that tears seem to come when I'm driving? I found that after my mother died that's when tears came too. It was on drives when I was alone in the car and some thought crossed my mind, and instantly the tears would come. Well, the tears are back. Luckily, I travel with lots of Kleenex.

How do people deal with grief? Today's paper has an interview with Joyce Carol Oates about how she dealt with the death of her husband. She said it was tiring. A friend who has outlived two husbands has said the same thing. Another friend suggested I start writing in a notebook, talking to Louise that way. Perhaps, I'll give it a try. Maybe even right here. Luckily no one reads this, so I am safe. And, if there is anyone reading this, you might try to stay away from me on the road, and know that when you ask how I'm doing, I'll likely say "Fine, thanks and you?" And what I'll really mean is "I'm knee deep in grief and inches from tears."

To Unfriend or Not to Unfriend

It was four Tuesdays ago that I lost my sister. Lost sounds as if I'll call her name and turn around and she'll be there, but it's not that kind of lost. It's more of the I'll never hug her again and I'll never hear her voice. She'll never again tell me what I'm wearing is all wrong or that I am in dire need of a haircut.

She introduced me to facebook. Her picture pops up every time I sign on. And my heart aches and breaks every time I see it. Last night I was playing a mindless word game and started a new game. "Invite Louise to play" flashed on the screen. Oh how I wish I could!

So do I unfriend my only sister, my only sibling? I honestly don't know. I know that every time I see her picture, I think for one slight moment, Oh I need to call Louise. And then I realize I can't.

Lou, you're in my heart and on my facebook. I just wish you were here right next to me.